The Day Zurg Learned About Tension
by Zurgakrakish
Summary: “Ah! ‘umour is good! Very good!” Animus smiled, pulling out another picture from within his knapsack. “Let’s see how you ‘andle zis humour!” An Evil Emperor Zurg oneshot. Induces mind-scarring and brain-breaking, as usual.


**A/N:** You knew the day I'd churn another cracky fic would come, didn't you? Ah well, enjoy my little sadists! Sorry about the rating, but some of the matters examined herein are just too... delicate for younglings. But it's all for laughs, so it's okay. Now on to the torture fic!

* * *

**The Day Zurg Learned About Tension**

**(And He Wasn't Happy)**

* * *

The hands of the clock crept by ever so slowly.

Its ticking was timed, rhythmical, never missing a beat, the sound seemingly growing louder and louder with each passing second.

_Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. _

The clock sung.

_Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock._

The clock went on, singing for its audience of three, silent men.

The clock hung in a room, fuzzy, dark; its presence only heard, not seen. The walls were cast in a cool slated blue; much like a regulation metal frequently seen in orbital ship yards, setting a calm and tranquil ambiance. The room temperature was just right, cozy and comfortable, and neither stifling hot nor frigidly cold. Upon the smooth walls were diplomas adorned all around in neatly-trimmed frames, each one holding up proud documents—testaments of mental triumphs and established goals. Cabinets were here and there and posters of feel good attitudes were placed about strategically; nothing was there without a purpose.

A desk, clean and bare, lay in the middle of the room like a remote, lonely island, and two chairs were situated before it, both currently occupied by two very different mind sets. The one on the left was mature in avenues best unexplored and was well-adapted to rowdier aspects of life, whereas the mind on the right was prone to use their apparently naivety to hide their darker, inner self; a mind best left forgotten and locked away in shadow.

The third chair was placed behind the desk, a doctor's chair, and it, too, was occupied, although the mind in this seat was far more secure and tested than the two before it.

The office was a welcoming place, a comforting place... a terrifying place.

And the owner of the second mind absolutely hated it.

_Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock._

Zurg cast a peeved, disturbed glance upwards at the clock to his right and found himself crossing his arms over his chest absentmindedly; his true thoughts brooding and mired in loathing as each second tolled. One of his legs was draped over the other underneath his robes, and his foot swayed to and fro with the melody of the ever-diligent clock; a steeled finger tapping a clothed arm at the same pace of his foot, trapped.

He could barely recall how he got here and why, but none of that mattered anymore. He was here, in this very office he so much dreaded, and that… was that.

"I take it you boys find yourselves comfortable?" a heavily-accented voice spoke, disrupting the clock's persistent hold upon them all.

"Yeah, this is real nice, Doc."

The Evil Emperor snapped out of his daze upon hearing his agent's familiar voice—the voice of Warp Darkmatter—reply to the scraggly, thin, green alien before them both, and the Evil Emperor simply gave out a grunt in place of his own response.

"Is this really necessary," he said petulantly, finally bringing his crimson eyes back down upon the hunched, comfortable doctor with a low, upset grumble. "I could be doing more _productive_ things than sitting here in some _shrink's_ office," he finished with a blatant insult to the doctor before him.

"Don't mind him, Doc," Warp interjected, fanning a hand dismissively with a grin. "Big Z is just upset that he missed his cooking show for this appointment 'cause he really loves to learn new recipes and all that junk."

He winked, nudging his boss playfully in the side with an artificial elbow. "Isn't that right, Big Z?" the blue goon cooed.

The only response Warp received for his playfulness was a tight, narrowed glare from out of the corner of his employer's cold, stern eyes.

But the doctor across them found this amusing, and shook his head with a hand in unison at the awkward display of both master and servant.

"Ah, sacrifice," Dr. Animus began, starting his psychoanalysis early. "Ve all must do it, I'm afraid; even Evil Emperors. Now..." He paused, readjusting his glasses as he cleared his long, lengthy throat.

"Shall ve discuss ze policies of ze procedure or are ve ready to continue?" he asked, wiggling that orange moustache of his in such a way that Zurg found it to resemble a big, fat hairy caterpillar; maybe he thought of this because the Evil Emperor worked a lot with bugs and their names in his profession. But whatever the reason, he decided that he most definitely did not like it.

"I'd rather not," he hissed in a voice that dripped venom, his eyes glowing most ominously to prove that he would rather not be toyed with today.

But the doctor did not get the hint and he merely continued his job to the tee.

"Very vell, vhatever ze patient feels more comfortable vit." Animus adjusted his glasses and folded his hands upon his desk in a non-threatening way. "Now zen, vat vould ze purpose of your nightly visit be, 'mm? Vhy are you 'ere? Let us start vit zat."

Zurg merely scoffed lightly at the gesture so his henchmen took the cue as his turn to speak—since it was mainly his doing that the Evil Emperor was here in the first place.

"Well, Doc, it's kinda funny now that you mention it," Warp drawled easily, leaning back contentedly in his seat with his hands propped behind his head in a rather relaxed and carefree manner. "_Someone_ here doesn't know how to... _loosen up_, if you get my drift. He ought to learn how to _release_ his tension a bit, you know what I mean?" he said, adding a suggestive wink to the mix.

"Ohhh?" the psychologist said with interest, leaning forwards with a twinkle gleaming within his eyes. "And vat sort of _tension_ vould zis be?" he asked, his curiosity piqued.

"The tension-we-don't-really-talk-about-at-the-dinner-table kind of tension."

"What a _quaint_ way to put it, Darkmatter," Zurg suddenly butted in, his icy and no-nonsense voice unsettling the calm atmosphere as his eyes began to flare dangerously. "I'm beginning to wonder whether you'll keep that quaintness after your visit to the Wedgie Ray later."

And that was no fluffy bunny threat.

Warp's eager grin faded at the promise of pain and he settled back into his seat with an expression of discontent, grumbling. All he'd wanted was for Zurg to stop breathing down his neck so much and what did he get in return?! A punishment! This was no way for an employer to treat his hard workers! At least not his number one agent!

"I see someone 'as a rather sadistic streak about zem," Animus observed, jotting something down on his notes. "Sadism is often known to lead to other zings, other paths, you know," he added to himself.

"What are you writing there?" Zurg demanded with a sneer, stiffening in his seat. His eyes followed the scratchy movements of the pen with a growing sense of paranoia, his head following every new line like one of those old typewriters diligently. What was this old man up to...?

"Oh, not'ing of consequence," the string bean-like doctor muttered shortly, putting down his pen and knitting his hands together again as he stared at his visitors. "But now, let us commence vit ze session. Vould you mind taking a seat upon zat comfy recliner over zere?" He gestured towards an innocent-looking couch in the corner, conveniently placed near a window so that the full moon could be seen uncensored.

Zurg froze at the offer, gripping at the armrests of his chair. He'd have probably broken into a cold sweat if it were possible. "I'm not sitting there," he refused, stubbornly crossing his arms over his chest again. "I prefer sitting in this chair, if you don't mind; which you don't."

"Oh, come now, it's just a chair. It von't do anyzing to you. I like to call it ze Freudalite Recliner; it is from my 'ome vorld. It vill 'elp you get into ze proper mental state so ve can begin examining your... tension," the doctor insisted.

"I don't _want_ to get into the proper mental state. I like my own just fine!" Zurg objected like a stubborn old Jo-Adian, the indignation clearly evident within his frustrated tone. "In fact, I don't even want to be here! I was tricked thanks to my _lackey_ who said we would be visiting a fabrics store! Cosmos knows I'm out of knitting material..." he added off to the side.

"Ah! So you _do_ know vat pleasure is!" Dr. Animus pointed out with a smirk and a vigourous nod. This was progress! No matter how unwittingly confessed. "Please! By all means, continue!"

Zurg didn't know what to say other than this: "What!? What pleasure!? What are you rambling about, old man!? Did you miss the part where I was _tricked_ into coming here or do I have to tell you in ten other languages?"

"There he goes..." Warp sighed, rolling his eyes and resting his chin onto a palm with a sigh. "Big Z _always_ gets defensive whenever you poke fun at his recreational hobbies. The man's not healthy, I tell you. Not at all. I mean, honestly, what grown man in a respectable business _knits_ over two hundred sweaters for his minions for yearly incentives. I don't even _like_ the blasted things."

"Oh, and like _your _recreational hobbies are healthy!?" Zurg butted in as he heard that his gifts were not appreciated, rattling a metal fist as he nearly swiped at his ignorant, conspiring henchmen. "I'd rather knit and bake than watch some gritty, late night movie with naked women in some Rhizomian fertilizer!" he snarled, snorting as he whipped his head away in protest. "At least I'm _decent_, Darkmatter."

"Ahhh! So! You like men zen, I take it?" Animus asked, fidgeting with his glasses once more. "Most men do indeed prefer vatching grown, matured vomen wrestling in viscous fluids over baking and such zings."

"And just _what_ exactly are you getting at?" Zurg growled, momentarily shifting his anger with a quick, seething glance.

"Oh, yes! Yes he does! In fact, he records Lightyear all the tim—HURGH!"

Warp didn't get to finish the rest of his sentence as the Evil Emperor made a shriek of incoherent babbling and pinched the blue man's neck with his cold, piercing talons.

"I _think_ Darkmatter should mind his own _business_," Zurg growled again, pinching harder. "Before I incapacitate him with the Gorrbic death grip; and believe me, you _don't_ want the Gorrbic death grip."

"I don't want the Gorrbic death grip!" Warp squeaked, tears overflowing from his eyes as he hunched at the unbearable, yet highly effective, pain.

Animus could only watch and observe in fascination—as he was a psychiatrist—and he began to jot down more notes furiously.

"Ah-hah, so I see... not only do you shy avay from sexual activity, but you also display a strong emphasis on sadism. Quite interesting... I suppose you vould very much enjoy blind-folded bondage, no?" Animus inquired, looking up from his notes finally with a wiggling orange moustache.

"Blind-folded _what!?_"

"Oooh, kinky!" Warp added with a wheeze and tearful eyes.

"You stay out of this, you blue boob! Because of you, I'm getting analyzed!" Zurg snarled, pinching harder as he snapped his head around to face the old codger before him. "And _you_..." he growled evilly, pointing a demanding finger. "You don't know a thing about me! I don't shy away from anything! I'm the Evil Emperor Zurg! Things shy away from ME! It's a perk that comes with the job!"

"And you also show a bloated sense of delusion," Animus was quick to mention, twirling that awful, conspiring pen of his around his finger. "I can begin to see vere zis tension is coming from. Now, vould you kindly lie down upon ze recliner? Ve vill get to ze bottom of zis faster if you do," he promised, already getting up with his pad and pen to head over to an accompanying chair near the recliner of debate.

"Hmph!" Zurg relinquished control of his crying blue goon and was more than happy to comply; anything to get away from Darkmatter and his disgusting, crude comments about him and his habits!

The Evil Emperor lied down without further incident, smoothing out his robes, and crossed his arms gruffly with a snort as he took his sweet time to get situated.

"Make it snappy! I have the news at twenty-two hundred PZT!" he barked, grumbling under his breath as he pressed his head against the recliner's padding. This was just terrific...

"What news?" Warp croaked feebly, rubbing the area where Zurg had pinched him with a wince.

Zurg's eyes focused upon his good-for-nothing henchman, but he otherwise didn't bother to get up after he had taken so much time to settle down in his seat. "For the weather report, of course! What else?" he answered back with a bite.

"But we don't have weather on Planet Z!"

"Yes, we do! Shows how much you pay attention, Darkmatter!"

"But it's only lightning! It never changes! Always lightning and red sand everywhere!"

"That's what you—!"

"Enough!" Animus interrupted, his moustache bristling in anger as he swatted the air between the two arguing men with an impatient hand. "Zis is a serious psychological session, not a monkeys' playground! If you vant to bicker zere is a marriage counselling class next door."

He placed a finger upon the top of Zurg's head and pushed him back onto the recliner. "Now zen. I vould like you to take a deep breath and relaaax."

That last bit got them to still their quarrel immediately, leaving Animus enough room to finally get back to work. He drew up his chair and crossed his legs, placing his notebook upon his lap, with his pen poised to start taking notes.

A few moments passed in silence, the clock ticking noticeable again, leaving Zurg to only glare around the room and fidget repeatedly as he surveyed his surroundings with dark, sharp eyes.

"I don't see you relaxing," Animus observed with a twitch of that insufferable moustache, placing the tip of the pen against the paper.

"Well that's because I'm not _relaxed_, am I?" the Evil Emperor retorted sarcastically, fidgeting even more now that the doctor had noticed.

"If you can't relax, ve can't get out of 'ere and go 'ome faster. I vould like to leave and snuggle at my 'eater vit my pet but do you see _me_ complaining?" Animus stated, showing that, once again, he was the more mature person here.

Zurg growled deep in his throat at the doctor's point, but he obeyed silently and ceased his aggravated motions, if only to get out of this loony bin faster. The way he had hunched his shoulders up made it appear as if his neck had disappeared underneath the many folds of his mantle, leaving only his silver horns and antsy red eyes to peer above it. He made it a habit to inhale and exhale noisily in order to disturb the doctor's concentration and such petty thinking pleased him.

Even small revenges such as these helped the Evil Emperor feel slightly better, knowing that he was making the doctor suffer for keeping him here.

"Vunderful," the doctor said cheerfully, his trusty pen at the ready. He clearly did not let Zurg's childish antics get the best of him, much to the child's dismay. "Now zen. Let us cut down immediately to ze chase. Did you 'ave a 'appy childhood zat 'ad plenty of positive stimuli?"

Oh, if Zurg had ever seen a cookie cutter question, that was surely it.

"Sure I had a happy childhood!" the Evil Emperor confessed quickly, not giving it much thought. "It was pretty, with all... sorts of colours and... things... a typical normal childhood commonly seen today."

Animus was not fooled, however, for what sort of happy childhood would produce a sadistic, bitter Evil Emperor who sat before him now? Certainly never a childhood he had seen and experienced.

"Mmm-hmm, yes." Animus wrote something down, Zurg's eyes following his movements warily. "Name your 'appiest memory and explain vhy it is your 'appiest memory."

"Uh..." Zurg hadn't been counting on the doctor to see through his ploy so he could only stall and choke up like a faulty cruiser engine. "I... can't? I have bigger, adult worries to consider other than childhood memories," he quickly tried to cover up, salvaging face.

"I thought so." _Scibble-scribble_. "You know," Animus said, drawing off his glasses and cleaning them on his shirt without an air of urgency, "ze longer you refuse to embrace your innermost fears, ze longer ve vill be at zis."

Warp groaned in the background and lifted his head upwards to the ceiling. "We're going to be here for an eternity!" he lamented, moaning and bellyaching in his seat.

His employer would never reveal anything! Zurg was far too cloistered and hardened like a clam to give up sensitive things such as his personal life! Come to think of it, Warp didn't even know Zurg _had_ a personal life besides just being evil and loud. Oh, and making those darling, itchy sweaters every year.

"It is entirely up to you, of course, depending all on your cooperation," the doctor continued, putting his glasses back on and arching his orange brow at the reluctant patient. "So vat do you say?"

"Oh, all right," Zurg moaned, slumping in defeat. "Do your worst, as long as this is all over in an hour's time. I will hold you to your promise, don't you worry," he grumbled, wondering if he could get the last laugh with a rather naughty evil plot regarding the doctor.

Oh, how he just loved revenge.

"Eeeeexcellent," Animus said in a voice that successfully managed to veil his excitement. He was practically on the brink of a psychological revelation. The truth about the Evil Emperor's psyche! Forget robot psychology, this would get him the recognition he wanted!

"And now, time to break you—or rather, ze cages of your mind, of course."

Zurg didn't like the sound of that one bit and he sank lower into his seat because of it.

"Now zen, ze blue gentlemen mentioned something about tension, no? What kind of tension vould zis be?"

"I'm not quite sure what you mean, Doctor; you'll have to be a tad more specific. I'm _always_ tense. It's one of the 'perks' of being an Evil Emperor." Zurg was relieved, at least, to find that Animus had given up on asking him about his childhood, but he was still upset that the man wanted to continue penetrating the many bastions and locked chambers of his mind.

"Besides the ever-common stress and mental fatigue, I'm sure." Animus chuckled slightly at the last bit. Oh, how that term had vexed some of his previous patients. "As a successful businessmen and manager of a vast evil empire, I'm sure your title as Evil Emperor is a trying one, but zat is not ze tension I mean."

"Yeah, not the kind you always vent on us," Warp grumbled in the background. "It's like a never-ending rage buffet and it gets real stale real fast."

Zurg made a small, noncommittal sound in the back of his throat and almost pouted as his lackey's comment.

"Well..." the Evil Emperor said slowly, tracing a steeled finger along his bottom lip in thought. "That's just my way of being affectionate; you know, showing 'tough love' and all that deep space bass," he admitted, tapping a firm, neon-green tooth as he went on. "It's not like I ever _harm_ them beyond work value. That's just not productive. Darkmatter just likes to play the victim and exaggerate things."

"Yeah, right! tell that to the Wedgie Ray! I can't sit down for weeks, Doc, because of that so-called 'tough love'. Peh. And I _am_ a victim! I don't even get good dental under you!"

"Mmmm... vell, I can imagine zat torturing others is a form of release for you, but..." Animus sighed, shaking his head as he took on a more parenting approach. "Zat is not productive, no matter vat angle you look at it, Mr. Emperor. I see zat you get a kick out of 'urting others to boost your own weak, suffering esteem, but zat is not ze right vay to go about zese zings."

"I'm not boosting my self-esteem!" Once again Zurg became difficult and he looked away from the therapist with another pout. "It's fine just the way it is. I throw my weight around to let them know who's boss! It's a simple technique."

"Oh? And I assume zat you really don't need to be 'ere because you are just fine?"

"Aha! _Now_ we're getting somewhere! I'm glad you could see it my way." Zurg started to get up and leave, his mind already gone minutes before his body. "Well, thanks for the session, Doctor, but please don't bother to hand me your business card; this was just a one time deal."

"Not. So. Fast."

Animus put a firm hand upon the Evil Emperor's shoulder plate and slowly forced the patient back down with strength never thought of his meek, frail form. He kept the Evil Emperor there and gave him a stern, penetrating look that only a parent or teacher could make. And it was the look that he knew worked with this sort of stubborn person, too.

It was a look so powerful that even a powerhouse like Zurg had to shut up and sink his head deep inside himself like a turtle in light of danger, his eyes wide and frightened.

Animus took back his hand and resumed his meek posture, knowing that his approach had worked without a hitch.

"I see you are skittish, per'aps afraid even, to speak of your own faults, but zere is no shame 'ere, you see," the doctor began, resuming his diagnosis. "Zis session is to 'elp you relax and gain a better understanding of yourself. Nothing to be afraid of at all. Now, let us continue, shall we?"

Seeing as he was captive and held against his own will, the Evil Emperor finally chose the path of least resistance and slumped back into his chair, beaten, and left feeling sore.

"I guess..." he muttered with a deep exhale. "I'm at your mercy."

Oh, what a dreadful thought.

"Try to zink of it in a more... _positive_ light," Animus encouraged, reaching down into a knapsack he had brought out for this particular trial. Zurg watched him carefully with wary eyes and he held his breath as the skinny alien pulled out what appeared to be an... ink blot?

Well, that didn't seem so... bad.

"See zis?" Animus asked, pointing to the ink blot. "Zis is an ink blot. However, I already know it's an ink blot, and you already know it's an ink blot too, but ze purpose of zis test is to see vat _you_ zink it is. Now, tell me vat you see," he requested, holding it up before the Evil Emperor.

Now, Zurg's eyesight wasn't what it used to be, so he took out a pair of reading glasses and placed them before his eyes like an elderly person would to see their bingo score.

"......I see...... _Lightyear_," he finally spoke, glancing back up to the doctor in hopes that his answer would suffice.

Warp just smacked his face loudly in the background and covered his eyes. "Oh, here we go... again about Lightyear..." he sighed, wondering if this evil idea of his had really been worth it after all.

"Ah-hah, and 'ow about zis?" Animus said, holding up another ink blot.

"Lightyear."

"And zis?"

"Lightyear."

"And now about zis." Animus held up a picture of Warp Darkmatter, of all people, and prayed mentally for a better response.

"Hmmm... Oh, that's just Darkmatter! He's mad because Lightyear had my pen!" Zurg grinned shamelessly, innocently and naïvely, just as Animus felt his moustache droop.

".........Vhy do I feel like I 'ave experienced zis before...?" The doctor mumbled, throwing the ink blots over his shoulder with an indifferent expression. They were clearly not offering any new light onto the current situation. "All right, I see zis is not 'elping."

"No duh..." Warp butted in, playing with the metal pendulum on Animus' desk with a bored expression.

"So now, we're going to get out some real photos. Are you all right vit zat?" the doctor asked, making another mental note on that mysterious notepad of his.

"Vhy vouldn't I be?" Zurg mocked, shrugging with a not-sure expression.

"Ah! 'umour is good! Very good!" Animus smiled, pulling out another picture from within his knapsack. "Let's see how you 'andle _zis_ humour!"

And the doctor—the _good_ doctor—showed Zurg a picture—a most _naughty_ picture.

Almost instantly, Warp recognized the photo for what it was and he gave out a cat whistle. He even darted forward to get a better look, leaning on the edge of the recliner right above Zurg's confused head. "Now that's _my_ kind of humour," he said appreciatively, wiping some drool from the sides of his dopey grin.

Zurg, on the other hand, merely stared at the picture, a look of confusion creeping up on his face as he stared at it with one eye ridge raised perplexedly.

"I'm not quite... sure what I'm supposed to be seeing here," Zurg confessed helplessly, adjusting his spectacles so as to better see. "What am I seeing exactly?" Oh, it was like that Planet Destroyer raffle all over again, wasn't it?!

Warp's grunt of frustration was audibly heard and he was quick to scoff at his dim-witted employer with an incredulous grimace. "It's a pair of jugs, you numbskull! Jugs! How do you not know what jugs are!?" And to better demonstrate since Zurg was a visual person, Darkmatter cupped his chest and pretended to jiggle something repeatedly over the Evil Emperor's evil head.

But no sooner had he done this than Warp's eyes widened, and he gasped as he covered his mouth with a hand. Oh no, oh no, he just told off his boss, he just told off his boss... he was never going to lose the marks from the Wedgie Ray at this point!

Zurg glared at him angrily, briefly contemplating setting another session for Warp on the Wedgie Ray, but his curiosity over the man's antics won him over.

"Jugs! Jugs? What do you mean jugs?" He looked back at the picture, not even registering Darkmatter's little antics. Those were the weirdest jugs he had ever seen.

"Ohhh, is that a Sirenian snake dancer? I didn't know they carried jugs. Does that help them balance while they dance? Or are they filled with the blood of their enemies to feed the snakes?" he asked as he began to wave his arms in the air in a poor mimic of the dance's moves. "Guess it must be that whole sssssnake thi—I can't do the snake thing," he sighed, realizing he couldn't flick out his tongue to produce the desired sound effect.

Warp continued to stare in horror at Zurg, not knowing whether he was being serious or not—you never knew with a guy like Zurg—and Animus' jaw actually dropped open as he stared down at the picture, then back up at the Evil Emperor. Even _he_ was dazed and that didn't happen quite often!

"No," the psychiatrist said adamantly, hardly daring to believe that Zurg just didn't get it. "No, no, no, no, no." He held the picture up a little higher as he pointed to the objects in question. "_Zis_ is ze picture of a naked voman. You see 'ere? _Zese_ are 'er mammary glands. And zis 'ere is her—"

That was more than enough detail to get the Evil Emperor's brain finally firing some neurons.

Zurg suddenly flung himself backward with an inarticulate scream of horror, backing up into a corner like a threatened cat. His chest rose and fell rapidly in his quick gasps for breath and his eyes were magnified by his spectacles to great, giant red golf balls in absolute terror. He clung to the walls behind him, digging his claws into them much like a cat would grip onto anything it could find when in shock.

He might as well have had all his fur standing on end if he had any.

"Take it awaaaaaaay!" he wailed, covering his face with his hands. "Just—just take it awaaaaay! The icky, fleshy—aaaaaaaaghhh! I HATED SEX ED IN SCHOOL! I WAS EXCUSED FROM IT!"

"Mr. Emperor, please, if you vould not damage my valls!" Animus said sternly, waving him back to the recliner. His moustache seemed to puff out in his anger, much like the wings of an atlas moth. If he had known that the Evil Emperor acted more like a giant, purple baby, he would have never shown him the pictures in the first place!

"You shall sit down now and face your fears or else I shall sue you for vandalizing my property along vit refusing to pay me!" he announced, throwing the ultimatum.

Zurg froze. _Lawyers_. How he absolutely _loathed_ lawyers.

But the real question was: did he hate lawyers more than nudists or did he fear nudists more than lawyers?

Both would give him a rash in close contact.

"Yeah, there you go! Grab him by the horns! Show him who's boss! Er..." Warp lowered his fists and shrugged helplessly at a still hysterical Zurg. "I got, ah... carried away," he explained meekly.

Baby bit by baby bit, Zurg slowly and cautiously inched back to the recliner, sitting as far away from Animus as he could, even going so far as to remove his glasses and avoiding looking at that sadistic, heartless psychiatrist—or, more specifically, what he was still holding in his hands.

"Vell, I vill admit zat I did not expect zat," Animus admitted, putting the picture away and furiously jotting down his observations. He wiped at his brow and exhaled. "Now zen. Shall ve try zat again?"

Zurg half-whimpered, half-sobbed, shaking in fear of what was to come next as he hugged his knees to his chest. He thought stumbling upon strange terms was bad enough, but actually being forced to witness this... this... it felt like it was the end of the galaxy! And it wasn't even done by his own hand!

The _hooooorror._

Animus sifted through his knapsack again, twitching his moustache in thought. Since the half-dressed female had stirred such a violent reaction in his patient, perhaps the blue gentleman had been correct in his previous observations.

"All right. 'ow about zis picture then?" he asked, holding up another questionable picture.

"MOTHER OF PEARL!"

"OH COSMOS!"

In Dr. Animus' terms: not good results.

Both men reacted violently at the next picture, but for entirely different reasons. Warp clapped his hands over his eyes, kind of poking one of them with the talons of his artificial arm, but even that painful sensation was welcome in such a situation. Oh, all the brain bleach in the galaxy wouldn't be enough to erase the mental images! No, all the brain bleach in the entire universe!

Zurg, meanwhile, covered his face with his hands and hid behind his knees, shaking and quivering in unspeakable horror. He did not just see what he thought he just saw, he did not just see what he thought he just saw. No, it was all a trick of his mind, yes, that was it. No! Wait! It wasn't a trick of his mind, it was a trick of that man's! That stick man's with the caterpillar-like moustache!

He was no real doctor! He was a torturer!

"Actually, never fear, zis is not ze real Buzz Lightyear," Animus reassured them, chuckling at their reactions as he elaborated on the nude image of the Space Ranger in all his justified glory. "It is a photo manipulation—a very good one I might add—zat sells for quite a bit on EdBay. Fans can get very possessive of zeir idols, no?"

The Evil Emperor peeked meekly at the psychiatrist from between his fingers when he heard this, then uncovered his face entirely, really looking at the picture for the first time.

"Well, I suppose Lightyear doesn't look like that when he's shirtless…" Zurg muttered, actually looking at the picture with a critical, experienced eye.

Warp uncovered his face to gawk at Zurg incredulously, his mouth half-open in utter bewilderment and shock.

What had his employer just said!?

"Of course not... I said zis vas a _photo manipulation_..." Animus said slowly, wondering just when Zurg had seen Buzz shirtless when most fangirls—and perhaps some fanboys too—would give their kidneys to have the opportunity.

"You... you've seen Lightyear, of all people, _shirtless_!?" Warp cried out, stammering. Oh, that was just gross! "Not even _I've _seen him without his shirt! And we used the same shower room in the academy! The shower room!" he shouted, growing flustered, feeling the sticky sensation of being uncomfortable on the back of his neck.

"Yes... I vould... like 'ere zis one as vell..." Animus agreed, his face pale and livid.

What was he dealing with!?

And for free!?

Zurg looked at them with confused eyes and in his defense merely shrugged and thought it to be nothing to be concerned about.

"Ooooh, well you know..." he began, starting in a casual tone. "It all started back on Rhizome when I had Lightyear right in my sights!"

"I'll say..." Warp muttered, looking at his employer with woozy fingers. "You probably had more than just him in your _sights_..."

"As I was _saying_..." Zurg growled, letting his eyes flare a bit at being interrupted during his story time. He loved his story time!

"I had Lightyear right where I wanted him! He was taking a nice, relaxing dip in a hot spa in one of Rhizome's mood gardens—you know, the expensive kind. Anyway, Lightyear was defenseless and as I pulled out my disintegration ray, the man leaping out of the hot source like a jumping bean and showing me his weak, vulnerable self! Ahaha! It was like flipping a tortoise to expose their underbelly!" the Evil Emperor crooned triumphantly.

"Oh, cosmos... do you even _listen_ to what you're saying!?" Warp was feeling absolutely sick to his stomach with the current atmosphere and he only moaned and groaned as Animus started to shake his head slightly in appalled disbelief.

"I uh... uh... vell!" Animus chuckled meekly, clasping his hands as he tried to better understand the... patient... without giving away that he, too, was feeling slightly light-headed. "Let's... try a new approach."

"OH, PLEASE, YES."

Zurg just frowned, as if he had done something wrong and naughty, almost looking like he wanted a reassuring hug to keep him from whimpering.

Animus quickly went to his knapsack to see what else he had that could salvage the situation.

Depending on the Evil Emperor's reaction, this would make or break the case.

"Ah, 'ere is a new picture, and no, it is not about naked vomen. Vat does zis invoke vithin you?" he asked as he showed the Evil Emperor a picture of a rather dashing, topless, muscular man with a seductive grin and wink.

The Evil Emperor put on his spectacles again and tiled his head to the side, as if he were a prime art inspector.

"Mmmm, well, I am rather curious as to what his workout secrets are," Zurg admitted, tapping a tooth in contemplation. "He's obviously got a good regimen! Just look at the pectoral majoralis!" he smiled innocently, even sitting up straighter.

"......I knew it... I KNEW IT!" Warp exclaimed, pointing a rather accusing finger at his boss. "I KNEW YOU WERE STRANGE, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE INTO _THAT_ SORT OF STRANGE! AND TO THINK I SIT NEXT TO YOU ON CAKE DAY!" he literally shrieked, scooting his chair further and further away.

"Who're you calling strange!?" Zurg demanded before Animus could hold up a hand to quell them both. "I'm perfectly fine, you blue-footed boob!" he snapped back, rattling another metal fist threateningly.

"Boys, boys! Please!" Animus sighed, slapping his face as he shook his head. This was a hard session, all right. "Look, no one is accusing you of anyzing, Mr. Emperor."

"Accusing me of what?" Zurg asked, his temper slightly subdued. "Of being evil?"

"OF BEING GAY!" Warp screamed loudly from his awkward corner of the room.

"Of being happy? That's absurd," the Evil Emperor grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest once again as he didn't quite understand what the big deal was. "How is being happy and merry weird?"

"Ah-hah... no... not zat kind of 'gay', I'm afraid." The doctor took his seat closer to the Evil Emperor and tried to figure out a way to put this... _gently_; the Evil Emperor, after all, wasn't the sort to handle sudden anvils to the head.

"I'm afraid zat your 'enchmen is saying zat you are homosexual," he finally admitted, already preparing a cringe.

Oh, here it goes...

"Homo... sexual..." Zurg repeated slowly, wondering if he had heard that right. "Wait, wait. I know this word. Homo means... the same..." he began, making tallies on his fingers as he tried to remember his roots. "And sexual is just pertaining to nasty things so... you're saying, Doctor, that I like the same... same..."

And then it hit like a ton of moozles.

"THAT I LIKE THE SAME _SEX_!?" he exclaimed, finding the accusation absolutely ridiculous. "Why, I have _never_ heard anything more preposterous in my entire life! Not only is that rude, it's—well—rude! Why would I like the same sex when I don't even like the opposite one!?"

"Cause you display the _SYMPTOMS_!" Warp interrupted, still pointing an accusing finger at him. "You blew a date with—get this, Doc—with Vicki Vortex! VICKI. VORTEX."

"The spokes model extraordinaire!? Oh, she is quite ze voman..." Dr. Animus sighed, clutching at his chest where his heart ought to be. He even batted his eyes, but that soon changed as he glared at Zurg.

"And you mean to tell me zat _YOU_ blew a date vit ze most beautiful voman in ze galaxy!?" he demanded incredulously. "Vhy, you _must_ be 'omosexual if you vere stupid enough to do zat!"

"Exactly what I'm sayin'!" Warp concurred.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold the vid-phone!" Zurg squawked, fanning his hands. "First of all, I did NOT date her. She forced me into that date with blackmail. Blackmail! And second, she's nothing really to look at! She's just all legs and make-up! No brains or brawns; all preservatives and artificial fillers!" he said in his defense.

"And third, just because I didn't appreciate 'Vicki Vortex' like you men would, doesn't mean I'm homosexual and like the same gender!"

There was a sigh of relief from both Warp and Animus.

"I don't like any gender!"

And then came the puzzled stares.

"You... you don't?" Animus asked, fixing his glasses. "You don't like any gender? Vell, zere is ze problem right zere! He's asexual! No vonder zere is tension. 'e just doesn't know 'ow to release it."

"Huh?" Warp obviously hadn't heard that one before. "He doesn't like sex? Who doesn't like sex!? That's just silly."

"I don't think it's silly..." Zurg muttered off to the side with a frowning, sad face.

"Fine. I don't think it's silly either, all right, Big Z?" Warp growled as he barely kept a level face.

"You don't?" Zurg asked hopefully, looking up.

"No, I just think it's _STRANGE_."

And so went some more flying insults and fast-talking jabs to the egos. Dr. Animus just sat there with his chin propped up on his clenched fist, the small vein buried beneath his skin bulging slightly bigger and bigger till the poor man could take it no more.

"ENOUGH!" he yelled, standing straight up and stomping a foot for better emphasis.

Both Zurg and Warp immediately hushed and let the alien doctor inhale and exhale in Rhizominan peace mediations.

"If ze Evil Emperor suffers from being asexual, zen ze problem can easily be remedied," he began, going back over to his filing cabinet. "Ve just need to know vat makes him experience arousal."

And as the thinly frail doctor said that, he pulled out a flimsy, floppy object and immediately got Zurg to splutter and cough on his own spit.

"It's a Sentillan Krr'kesh assassin worm! THE MAN IS TRYING TO KILL ME!" he howled, already clambering for higher ground upon his recliner.

"It's just... a vibrator..." Warp sighed, propping his chin upon a hand and not even bothering to go any further with the discussion topic.

He knew a lost cause when he saw one and this was by far the worst lost cause he had ever seen.

"Oh... a what?"

"Correct." Animus replied, walking back over to the two men with the strange instrument in hand. "Zis is a vibrator. It is normally used by vomen to experience pleasure ven a suitable male or mate is not available. 'ere. Show me 'ow you experience sexual stimulus," he instructed, tossing the floppy thing onto Zurg's lap.

"Umm... now, I know I can be trying at times—really, my own mother said the same thing—but..." He paused and glanced back down at the thing with a hesitant expression. "Why is this in the shape of a—?"

"A male phallus? Yes. It is," Animus pointed out.

Oh, cosmos…

".........I don't think I... want to touch this..." Zurg muttered, politely rolling the thing off him with a cautious pinky finger. It rolled off his lap and fell with a squish to the floor, the Evil Emperor wincing at the sound.

"Can I go home now?" he asked, looking uncomfortable and lost.

"No."

"Oh great..." Warp grumbled, rolling his eyes. "If he won't touch a simple, harmless thing like that, then he obviously doesn't know how to beat the meat, if you know what I mean."

"Why would you beat meat...?" Zurg frowned.

"See? My point exactly."

"Point taken." Animus cleared his throat and coughed into his hand as he tried to make progress. "Mr. Emperor, I now 'ave to ask you a very sensitive question..."

"Pffft. What _haven't_ you ask me yet with everything you've done already!?" Zurg scoffed, tapping an arm in irritation.

"Do you masturbate?"

Silence.

"Do I... master bait...? I'm not a fisherman... I'm an Evil Emperor!" Zurg clarified, giving Animus a 'duh' face. "So, no, I don't master bait, whatever that is. Go ask that on Bathyos!"

That last comment was the final straw that broke the moozle's back and Warp just couldn't take it anymore.

"HE MEANS DO YOU TAKE OFF YOUR SKIRT AND JIZZ TO PICTURES OF PRETTY GIRLS WHILE MAKING GROANS AND WISHING THEY WERE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!"

The explosion from Warp caught both the doctor and the Evil Emperor off guard, the latter making a snide remark at it.

"Do _you_ have tension, Darkmatter? Maybe you should be sitting here and not me," Zurg stated, giving the blue, huffing man his best concerned gaze.

"Naw, I release my tension of a daily basis," Warp confessed effortlessly with a pleased smirk as he shrugged. "Every day when _Shannan_ calls, oh yeah..."

"Ah, see? Ze man has a 'ealthy sex life!" Animus said with a broad smile.

Zurg rapidly blinked his eyes. _"Daily!?"_ he repeated, his voice rising to a shriek. "On _my_ planet?! Oh, the indignity! You're doing your own wash from now on!" He pointed at his blue henchman accusingly.

"Now, now, Mr. Emperor, stay focused," Animus interjected smoothly, picking up the fallen vibrator and chucking it back at the Evil Emperor's lap. "It's about time we got on ze same page."

Zurg made a disgruntled noise of disgust in the back of his throat, staring anywhere else but at the thing on his lap as he fidgeted in his seat. He wished this torture could be over and done with already.

"Now zen, I would kindly like you to take ze vibrator and start rubbing your hand up and down its length."

"Do _what?!_" he demanded, jerking his legs up and causing the vibrator to topple to the floor again, backing up as far away from the implement of torture as he could.

Animus exhaled and retrieved the vibrator again. "It is a very simple matter, you see. All you 'ave to do is rub it, like so."

The doctor demonstrated for him, all the while Zurg spluttering incredulously, wondering if this really was for educational purposes or if the man was actually experienced in this department.

"You see? Very simple, no? Now you try," he said, pushing the vibrator into Zurg's hands and making him hold onto it.

The Evil Emperor looked at him piteously, a whine building up in the back of his throat. "Must I really...?" he whimpered, cringing like a child would do if they had to touch an animal they did not fancy.

"Just do it!" Animus snapped. "You are making zis more difficult zan zis should be!"

Zurg flinched at the sudden outdoor voice and looked down at the see-through jelly... object. His hands, still gripping it because of that darned doctor who seemed to be enjoying his inexperience far too much, began to tremble. He moved his left hand up, then down, and then once more for good measure, but the mere sensation of touching something so _filthy_ was more than enough to make the Evil Emperor twitch nervously.

With a girly shriek, he flung it across the room. It flew and found its target, hitting Warp smack-dab in the face with such force that he actually cried out in pain and toppled over a chair and to the floor in a heap.

"Aha!" Zurg punched the air triumphantly. "Now _that's_ what I call a release! Hand me another! I think I can bean Warp riiiiight between the legs..."

Animus groaned and smacked his forehead. "We have a long way to go," he lamented.

As Zurg continued to hoot and jeer at Warp, and the blue man rubbed at his nose while his eyes began to smart from the pain of the vibrator's impact, the psychiatrist was suddenly struck with an epiphany.

Without another word, he leaned forward and slapped Zurg's thigh firmly.

Zurg did another girly shriek and smacked Animus' hand away, drawing his knees back up to his chest protectively. "What in the Cosmos was _that_ for!?" If he had nostrils, they'd probably be flaring by now. "You have to ask before you do something like that!"

Having long since given up on taking notes, Animus merely adjusted his glasses and asked, "Did you feel aroused at zat?"

"Aroused? Why would I feel aroused by _that!? _It hurt!" Zurg whined, refraining from rubbing the tender spot.

"I merely assumed zat you vere ze sadistic type vhat vith ze vay you treat your employees."

"Oh, he sure is a sadist," Warp muttered audibly, slapping his cool water bottle against his nose in hopes that it would numb the pain. "Just look at what he does to me! Just look at what he _did_ to me!"

"Yes, yes, verbal insults and physical injury—not to mention bondage of all forms—are very strong factors in ze foreplay," the rail thin doctor concurred. "Much like zis Vedgie Ray you mentioned earlier. I vould guess zat under ze right circumstances it could prove to be a very sexually gratifying—"

"WOULD YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT MY INSTRUMENTS OF EVIL FOR SUCH... SUCH... VILE THINGS!?" Zurg moaned, shaking his fists in the air in his distress. "I mean, I _know_ they're evil, but that's just wrong!"

"I still zink that you vould thoroughly enjoy BDSM given ze chance," Animus stated calmly. "Zat stands for 'bondage and discipline', 'dominance and submission' and 'sadism and masochism'," he quickly elaborated in answer to the way Zurg's brow furrowed in confusion at the term.

"Considering your evil status, you are most likely no stranger to inflicting pain upon others," Animus continued amiably. "Torture is a prominent theme in BDSM. Tying up your victims, spanking zem, flogging zem... all factors in zis method of administering sexual gratification."

Zurg's teeth began to expand with every word the doctor said, his expression finally becoming one of the utmost horror. He couldn't find the words to describe just how terrifying he found this entire new world to be—a world the doctor had suddenly torn open for him, incessantly bombarding him with more and more and more information that only made the poor pathetic emperor want to crawl into a hole and die.

"I don't touch them!" he whined, fidgeting with his fingers. "I merely let the Hornets have their way with them! Besides, I don't treat them like avatars of pleasure, if that's what you're getting at! I get more pleasure watching a good soap opera than I do hurting someone!"

"Nice confession, Big Z," Warp cackled.

"Well it's true!" Zurg continued, feeling confused and upset and just downright miserable about the entire situation. "I'm a gentle soul, really! Sure, I have my bouts of anger and rage, but it's not like I abuse people for such... such... such sick and twisted desires and fetishes! That's Vartkes!"

"Oh, yah, zat man was a real sicko to diagnose," Animus suddenly confessed, pulling out a whip and strap of leather as examples. "Vat do you zink of zese?" he asked, pretending to whip something before him.

Zurg just buried his head into his hands and began to sob piteously, his shoulders rocking back and forth in his distress. Nothing in the cosmos could rectify the fragile state of his mind anymore! He was beyond redemption!

The display of the mental break down was so pathetic, Animus felt his moustache droop and his sense of everything right and wrong having just vanished out of the window—along with perhaps the Evil Emperor's hope of ever having a firm libido.

"Ah... vell..." He patted the Evil Emperor on the back kindly. "Zere, zere. It is quite all right. Coming to terms vit one's sexual tension is not always an easy zing to do," he said encouragingly.

"But I'm not tense!" Zurg objected, still sobbing. "And I don't do this sexual stuff! I just work and try to conquer the galaxy! Why must you all be so complicated!?"

"Zen why did you come to me in ze first place?" Animus asked, arching his brow quizzically.

"I just wanted fabric!" the Evil Emperor wailed, throwing his hands up into the air. "He tricked me into coming here!" He pointed an accusing talon at Warp, who looked up with a bleary eye from behind his water bottle. "It's all his fault I'm here being humiliated!"

"Hey, hey, hey," Warp started indignantly, rising shakily to his feet, "you're the one who wanted a session with the Doc!"

Zurg immediately stopped sobbing. "Since when?!"

"Since that... that..." Warp floundered, gesticulating wildly. "That... time you... smashed my vid-phone."

It took the Evil Emperor several moments to understand what Darkmatter was referring to.

And then it finally dawned on him.

Springing to his feet, Zurg began to scream shrilly, his dual-vocal cords only enhancing the intensity of his shrieks, as he immediately dashed for the nearest exit and ran out of there without looking back even once over his shoulder.

Animus turned to Warp with a tilted moustache. "Vell zen. Now zat I know zat you are ze cause for all of zis, I will be charging _you_ for this session."

"Me?!" Warp stuttered. "But I didn't—!"

"Nah-uh-uh!" Animus shook his finger sternly, scribbling furiously into a little pay-book. "No buts! Somebody has to pay for ze damage!"

"But he hardly scratched your wall!"

"Not zat!" He tore the sheet he was writing on and thrust it to Darkmatter. "I expect to be fully paid in ze next zree days."

"3,000 unibucks!?" Warp freaked out as he saw the massive bill of service.

"My psychologist is a rather expensive one," Animus stated, snapping his briefcase shut and making for the door as he buttoned up his jacket and wrapped his scarf around his neck.

"Wait a second, _your_ psychologist?" Warp demanded. "What do you mean _your_ psychologist; you _are _a psychologist!"

Animus turned around to look at the evil agent. "Yes. My psychologist. After all zis, I too need to release my tension somehow, and I certainly can't use a vibrator! Sheesh!"

And with that, the doctor slammed the door shut, leaving Warp in a very confused state of mind. Not only for locking him into his own office, but because of thinking that he could make his position with Zurg better, only for it to fall all apart on him.

"Never make a plan again," he told himself firmly, breaking down the door with a firm kick. "Warp, you're a ladies' man, not a thinker. Speaking of which, I think Jessica's free tonight..."

And just like any sensible ladies' man, he decided some fun for tonight might do him good. After all, everybody released their tension in different ways... some more so than others. And others... well...

It was best to put Zurg in his own little category.

* * *

**A/N:** I hope you enjoyed that, my pretties! I know I did! And now, off to find some brain bleach...


End file.
